Gather 'round, folks, and brace yourselves for the most extraordinary parade of baseball pong underperformers you've ever seen!
First up, we have DJ, whose throwing arm has the consistency of overcooked spaghetti. They'd probably have better luck tossing using a pool noodle.
Jaleesa, the so-called "athlete," seems to have mistaken baseball pong for a leisurely game of tea party. Quick tip, Jaleesa - the aim is to hit the target, not admire it.
Next is Kyle, whose performance last season was as flat as a pancake on a Sunday morning. Here's hoping he's not aiming to set new records in mediocrity.
Rosy, with a name like a summer's day, plays like it's a brutal winter storm. Maybe if the game were about avoiding the ball, she'd stand a chance.
Charmii, despite the enchanting name, has the pong aim of a half-blind raccoon. They've made an art of missing the cups like they're evading taxes.
Lauren, who has as much coordination as a newborn giraffe, looks set to break new ground this year, quite literally if she trips over her own feet again.
Lawrence, once dubbed the 'dark horse', has consistently proven he's more of a one-trick pony, and frankly, that trick wasn't impressive to start with.
Adam, the eternal optimist, keeps hoping for a miracle. Given his performance so far, he'll need one.
Emily, despite having the enthusiasm of a cheerleader, brings the skill of a toddler playing their first game of catch. Here's hoping she doesn't tire herself out with all that fruitless excitement.
Jordan, who swears by the 'practice makes perfect' mantra, evidently hasn't practiced enough. Maybe this year, buddy.
Rachel, the queen of excuses, has a fresh alibi for every missed shot. If only she put that creativity into her game.
Cody, despite the bravado, possesses the precision of a catapult built by squirrels. His strategy seems to involve more wishful thinking than actual skill.
Dylan, no stranger to the bottom of the scoreboards, is looking to maintain his legacy. Judging by his training, he's right on track.
Lizzy, always the joker, is hilarious - until you realize her game is the punchline. Lizzy, no amount of laughter can distract us from those scores.
Shelly. Sweet, confident Shelly, whose determination only makes her consistent failure more poignant.
Price. A man of luxury, perhaps too much so. It seems like his taste for the finer things in life does not extend to his baseball pong skills. One can only wish that his aim was as sharp as his fashion sense.
Kyle 2. Unlike his predecessor, Kyle 2 seems to possess even less aptitude for the game. It's as though he's trying to uphold the original Kyle's legacy of being second best - to everyone.
Bryant. A big name with a small game. His shots might land him a spot in a comedy club rather than a respectable score in the game of baseball pong. Each swing and miss is a stark reminder that his reputation surpasses his abilities.
Paige. She brings a level of grace and style to the game that is unfortunately unmatched by her baseball pong skills. Always the crowd favorite, if only her supporters could lend her some of their skills, she might be able to land a ball or two.
The anticipation is killing me, folks. Who will underwhelm us the most this season? Only time will tell!